Converted
by domina tempore
Summary: An AU version of "Conversion", where the retrovirus is not enough... J/T.
1. Prologue

_Author's Note: I wrote this prologue... oh, gosh, it was ages ago. But recently I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was in the mood for something J/T, so I dug this up and sent it to her. Her reply was very simple; "I liked it, it was good, START AT THE BEGINNING!" (haha, remember that friend?) She said a few other things, which gave me a whole new idea of where to take this from, and it became an AU version of "Conversion". I'm sorry if this prologue is confusing, it's supposed to be that way. I will explain it all as the story continues._

_Anyways, enough of my long, rambling author's note (which is as much for me as for you; otherwise I forget everything about my fics. LOL)_

_Enjoy!_

_Dedication: Alydia Rackham (because without you, there would be no story ;) Thanks ;). )_

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**Prologue**

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Teyla and Sheppard stood on a balcony, looking out over the entire city from their vantage point. He had one arm wrapped firmly around her shoulders, trying to block the chill of the cold wind that harassed them. She leaned into him, glad of his presence. They stood there for a long time, as the sun rose and passed over them and began to set again. No words were expected, and none were needed. Eventually, though, Teyla sighed, reaching over to grasp his hand that rested on her shoulder.  
"What do you think will happen?" she asked. "When we finally go back?"

"I don't know," he answered thoughtfully. "Things won't have changed for them like they have for us; it will only have been a few hours."

"While we have spent years here in Tutus."

"Healing..."

"...growing..."

"...getting married..."

"They will not understand what happened here," Teyla said. "They cannot."

"They may not even think that it's real."

"Only our hearts and minds have aged, not our bodies," she agreed. "In a sense, it is not completely real. But that doesn't make any of this less true."

"I'm tired of an empty Atlantis," John said eventually, after a time of thoughtful silence. But it was not uncomfortable as it would have been.

"I am, also," Teyla said softly, her eyes scanning the beautiful, empty city, "I think that tomorrow, we will go home."

"What about Llia?" he asked suddenly, a wave of fear and panic sweeping over him. There was no way they could leave their daughter...

"Llia is the only one of us who is physically here," Teyla said. "She may leave when she wishes."

"But she'll be grown up; we'll be practically the same age as her."

"I know," Teyla said softly. "But there is nothing we can do about it."

"But to have a daughter eight years younger then you? Thats gonna be hard to explain."

"Since when do we care about appearances?" She teased lightly. Then she grew serious again. "John, they may not understand Tutus, but they will accept it; and they will love Llia."

"Wouldn't it be weird if she and Ronon fell in love? Your daughter and your best friend..."

"You forgot eight years younger..." she murmured.

"And no one else being able to understand or see what we have..." he trailed off. "It's Llia's choice if she wants to come or not," he said finally. "And she can definitely not marry Ronon..." His voice faded into silence, and Teyla awakened from her odd dream. She didn't think that she was in love with Sheppard; but then again, she and Elizabeth had had kind of an unofficial bet going that he would never kiss her either; and he definitely had. She supposed it was possible that the kiss was sparked out of his actual affection and not just the retrovirus. But still, the dream itself was completely impossible. He would never get up the courage to admit his feelings for her (if he had any), let alone ask to marry her. And a daughter? It was unimaginable to even warrant taking seriously.

Although Llia was a nice name...


	2. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: The dream in the last chapter was set... two days after the kiss? This fic will (hopefully) make it through most of the episode until it eventually goes more severely AU..._

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**Chapter One **

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Teyla avoided her team the next morning, still unnerved by her dream and everything that was going on with John. Ever since that kiss, things had been awkward. And even though it had only been two days, she could see him changing rapidly now, turning into some kinf of creature that she knew would haunt her dreams.

Instead of meeting the others for breakfast like she usually did, she decided to burn off her pent-up confusion and emotions over the recent events in the little gym that her team had claimed for their own... where John had kissed her.

Roughly, she shook those thoughts away and settled into one of her most demanding routines. Everything that she was feeling was released or forgotten as she concentrated on making each deadly strike precise and perfect. Her only distraction was a tiny inkling of a question hangng in the back of her mind. How had she not been able to beat him with this?

"You want a real target?" She jerked around to see Ronon standing in the doorway, a faintly amused smile on his lips.

"Of you don't mind hurting," she said.

"I can take a hit." Ronon selected two bantos rods from a rack on the wall. They were not his favorite weapon--- he prefered his gun or his sword or even his hands in close quarters instead of the rods--- but it was a challenging style, and Teyla's best. And more importantly, she talked better when she was sparring.

"What's got you so upset?" he asked as they faced off. "You were going hard enough to kill."

"I am... frustrated," she said. She let him make the first move.

"About what?" he grunted, swinging for her and missing. It took a bit of coaxing toget an answer, but finally he'd get her to admit her feelings.

"Must you?" she sighed when he tried.

"Yes, I must. Anything that has you fighting shadows so hard has got to be something; otherwise you'd be meditating it away." Teyla skipped back pouback out of his reach.

"It is this whole thing with Ohn..." she began slowly. It was a start, though Ronon knew that they would have to go through every layer of the situation to get down to the parts that were bothering her specifically.

"Yeah, it's getting pretty weird," he said. "He beat on our run the other day."

"He beat me sparring..." she blushed, and his rods connected with her shoulder. She stumbled away and re-focused her attention, but now Ronon was curious about what had distracted her.

"What happened with that?" he asked. "He didn't threaten you or something, did he?" Suddenly, her was concerned.

"No, he did not..." she licked her lips and flipped her hair back, wincing at the motion. Ronon saw a bruise on the back of her neck.

"Did he hurt you?" he demanded,

"No! At least, not on purpose..." Ronon dropped his fighting stance and took ehr shoulders, mindful of the bruise forming where he had accidentally hit her.

"What did he do to you?" he asked softly. Teyla lowered her eyes guiltily.

"He kissed me," she whispered, barely audible. But Ronon could understand it all now; he had probably beaten her, gone bug-crazy, and grabbed her and kissed her. The bruises were probably from the strength that he couldn't control. He'd seen a bit of a bruise on her back as well; he must have shoved her into the wall.

Ronon drew Teyla into his chest and let her lean on him, so that she could not see the anger in his eyes. He didn't completely understand what was happening to Sheppard, but he was sure that it should not have made him act so abusively towards the woman that he clearly loved---even if he would not admit it--- and should have been the thing that was keeping him sane. Teyla didn't seem to be mad at him, but Ronon was more than mad nough for the both of them. He knew their feelings for each other even if they didn't, and for Sheppard to have hurt her like that...

"Ronon," she said softly, distracting him from his quickly building rage. "There is something else that is bothering me." Ronon understood her better than anyone else; he was more like her brother than her friend. She knew that she could tell him anything, and she needed to tell someone about that dream.

They sat down on the bench by the window, and slowly, haltingly, Teyla told Ronon everything. He sat there and he listened, and he wondered if her dream was something that would actually come to pass. They'd long ago learned that Teyla's dreams usually had a reason, and the intricacy and clarity of this on made him doubt that it was caused merely by stress.

Ronon let her get everything out, knowing that she would feel better once it was done. And when she'd finished her story she breathed a sigh of relief, like a great weight had been lifted off of her.

"Feel better?" Ronon questioned.

"A little. I just wish that there was something that we could _do_..."

"Hey," he caught her hand. "What _you _need to do right now is rest; I can see it in your eyes, you're exhausted. I'll call you if anything important happend; just go rest." Teyla nodded with resignation.

"Alright," she sighed. "You promise?"

"Yeah, I promise. If _you _promise to really rest."

"If I can."

"I suppose thats the best that I can get." They stood up, and he walked her back to her room before heading off in search of Elizabeth. He wouldn't tell her what Teyla had told him, but he'd tell her that she'd been bruised. She needed to know what John was capable of doing right now; and she needed to know to be careful.

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Teyla tried to rest as she had promised, but both peace and sleep had eluded her as recent events continued to torture her confused mind. She stretched out, stretching each musc;e in an attempt to relax her body, and tried to meditate to calm her mind; but she coud not focus. Finally, mentally apologizing to Ronon, she decided that she couldn't rest. She hooked her radio around her ear and turned it on, calling Major Lorne.

"Major," she asked, "can you bring me to the mainland?"

"Sure, Teyla. What's up? Did something happen there?"

"I need to speak to Charin about something important."

"Alright, I'll meet you in Jumper bay."

"Thank you."

Within ten minutes they were in the air, but Teyla spent the shot trip in relative silence, earning strange looks from the major but beyond the point that she cared. When they reached the mainland she went straight to Charin, who, upon seeing the look on her face, quickly closed the always-opened door of her tent so that they could talk in prvate.

Unlike Ronon, with Charin Teyla needed no coaxing to reveal her troubled. She explained everything, from Elia to the kiss to her dream. Charin frowned as she listened, troubled by what her young friend told her. She had long suspected Teyla and John's feelings for each other; and listening to Teyla now she was very concerned. Her heart broke for her almost-daughter.

"Can... whatever happened to him be treated?" she asked finally. Teyla shook her head helplessly.

"They are doing all that they can; but this is a problem that they have never encountered before. I do not know if there is any way that they can help him."

"You could try," Charin suggested hesitantly. "Your dream may have been a solution; if you can protect his mind in Tutus while your friends heal his body..."

"I can't do that," Teyla said sadly. "You know how hard it is for me to get into Tutus; last time I tried I almost killed someone."

"But for him you would do it."

"I can't! I won't further risk his life to bring him to some half-imagined place of peace."

"Are you scared of him?" Charin asked suddenly. "Perhaps you should ask Halling to come back with you for a few days; just until he is healed..."

"I am not afraid for myself, Charin," she said softly. "Only for him." Charin sighed heavily. She always had been stubborn, that girl.

"Be careful, Teyla," she pleaded. "No matter what he fels, if this virus continues to control him you could be very badly hurt."

"I will be careful," Teyla promised.

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_A/N: Eh, so tell me what you think. And I promise, I will explain Tutus eventually. But right now it's SUPPOSED to be confusing ;) lol. Anyways, enjoy, and leave a review :D._


	3. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: This chapter is supposed to be essentially a link to the episode; so any of the dialogue that I got right isn't mine. Any of the dialogue that I DIDN'T take from the episode is._

**Alydia Rackham**_: I'm glad that you like it so far :) I'm so glad that you're enjoying your present! :D_

_Thank you to everyone else who reviewed, too;_ **jodz92**_,_ **RFPegasus**_,_ **jtjaforever**_, and_ **Grannanatlanta**_. Hope that you all enjoy this!_

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**Chapter Two**

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It had been a week since the kiss; five days since the dream, and Carson had had a breakthrough. It wasn't a sure thing--- but that was to be expected since they'd never come up against anything like it before--- but he seemed confident that it would work, and Elizabeth gave him the go-ahead to retrieve the iratus bug eggs that the doctor would need.

She was a little surprised wen John came in and asked to join the mission. Just a few days ago he had taken himself off of active duty, agreeing that it would be too dangerous to have him running around loose. The changes in his body, as well as his atitude, were becoming far too apparent as well. He tried to hide it, but she saw him shove a dark, scaly hand into his pocket.

He came in with a classic bit of John Sheppard sarcasm, making light of his body-guard but clearly bitter.

"It's only protocol," she tried to assure him; but he would have none of it. From there the conversation digressed into an argument about why he should or should not go on that mission, with John insisting that he would be able to do it and that it was his life, anyways. But in the end Elizabeth stood firm, and denied him.

For a second he merely stood there, frozen in place and trembling a little bit. Then he lost it completely

Swearing, he whirled around and slammed his fist into one of the glass walls of her office, shattering it. Instantly every gun in the control room was pointed at him, and he became lucid again, suddenly realizing what he had proved even as Elizabeth ordered everyone down. Breathing a little heavily, he looked at her.

"I'm guessing that didn't sell you?" Elizabeth shook her head, appearing outwardly calm but inwardly trying to still her heart, racing with fright.

"No, no not really."

"I should go back to the infirmary."

"Yes you should." Once he had left the frozen personnel in the gateroom melted slowly back into action, some of them moving to clean up the shattered glass.

Elizabeth watched them work, feeling oddly detached from it all. She sank back into her desk chair and ran a shaking hand through her brown curls. She'd never seen John react to anything that strongly before. Ronon had been right; he was definitely losing control, and he'd had no idea how strong it was becoming. Elizabeth hoped he didn't realize that it was enough to get past his guards. She prayed that the mission would be a success.

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Teyla walked at the front of the group with Ronon, and he led their trek towards the caves where they assumed the iratus bugs would be. She shuddered with horror to remember the one that had attached itself to Colonel Sheppard's neck last year; but felt fairly confident in their success for this venture with Ronon leading the way.

They found the aves with little difficulty, and Ronon confirmed that they were inside. Despite the weight of the situation, Teyla couldn't help but roll her eyes as he and McKay bantered about the _method _of that confirmation. But the levity that the two provided didn't last long, and a moment later they all grew serious once again as they cautiously entered the cave, night-vision goggles activated.

Rodney again managed to unintentionally lighten the situation as he pulled his collar close to his chin and zipped it as high as it would go.

"You don't honestly think that'll help, do you?" Carson asked.

"Well, when they see your neck before mine we'll see how stupid it is."

"Were are these eggs supposed to be?" she cut in, reminding them both of the task at hand. Beckett began to describe the iratus bug's colony, until a bone-chilling chattering sound reached their ears.

"You hear that?"

"Yes," Teyla breathed, both repelled and fascinated. Being ancestors of the wraith, she could kind of feel those bugs; and they had the oddest sense.

The team entered a large chamber that was covered in the things. Teyla's heart sank when she saw the egg-nests hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the room. They were much too far, there was no way that they could get to them. But to come all this way and then let John down...

"I do not believe we can get close enough to retrieve the eggs without these creatures attacking," she said ruefully.

"I have this," Carson held up a long pole with a scoop on the end. "But I need to get under that." he gestured to the nearest nest, frowning thoughtfully. After a moment, he turned to one of the Marines that had come along. "Hand me that water canister." the man handed the white metal container to Carson. The doctor unscrewed the top, and splashed water out onto the floor, explaining to Lorne about the bug's dislike of salt water as the creatures skittered away from the puddle.

Once he'd made a path, Beckett turned up his collar--- which McKay triumphantly announced was not stupid after all, then--- and stepped in the puddle trail that he'd made, heading for the nest. Teyla barely breathed as she watched, though she was begininning to feel relief; they were going to get the eggs, and John was going to be okay!

Off to the doctor's left a little, Teyla's sharp eyes caught a movement an instant after Ronon's did. An iratus bug was hanging from the ceiling like a spider. Heading for the doctor.

"Heads up!" Ronon called, shooting it down. But it's death seemed to arouse the others, and the pitch and volume of their angry chattering was almost unbearable.

"Carson, _run_!" Teyla shouted, the second before she and the marines and Ronon opened up their weapons on the bugs.

Carson and McKay were the first ones out, and then Teyla felt Ronon and Lorne's hands guide her towads the exit. Even as she ran she turned her gaze back longingly into the chamber; they had been so close!

"Don't look back!" Lorne ordered, pushing her on. Then Ronon took over and Lorne stopped, calling for his men. Teyla pressed forward, and soon burst into the sunlight. She moved immediately to the side with the others, and a moment later Lorne leaped out, followed by and explosion but not his men. Walker and Stevens had not made it out.

Lorne climbed to his feet, dirt showering from his back and hair.

"I'm pulling the plug on this mission," he said firmly. "Lets head back to Atlantis."

"We can't just give up-" Carson began.

"Doc, we just lost two men in there! We're done."

They started back their failure and the loss of the two Marines heavy on them all. Teyla had to look back again and curse herself; they had been _so __close_. And without those eggs there was nothing that Dr. Beckett could do. But this was John Sheppard! No matter what this retrovirus had made him do they couldn't just let him die. There _had _to be something.

Charin's words floated to the top of her mind.

_"You could try," Charin suggested hesitantly. "Your dream may have been a solution; if you can protect his mind in Tutus while your friends heal his body..."_

She could always try to bring him to Tutus. But to even attempt that--- _especially _since he didn't have her gift--- she was not sure that it was possible to tae a mind so different into Tutus.

There had to be another way. They would return and try again; or the doctors would figure something else out. They _would _save him!

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_A/N: Drop me a review and tell me what you think. I'll try to get the next chapter done as soon as possible..._


	4. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Sorry that it's been so long on this one; I've been working on *everything* else under the sun---at the same time---and this one has been surprisingly difficult (partially because I haven't watched the ep in *forever*). But here it is now; and I hope that you all enjoy; and Alydia, I PROMISE that I'll do better about updating!_

_Thank you to everyone (once again) for all of your lovely reviews! :D_

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**Chapter Three**

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Teyla ran the situation in circles around her head for a long time, while she showered and changed after the mission. They had been so close! Maybe if just she were to go back, or she and Ronon...

No. They had failed, and they knew it. Going back again wouldn't save them from the same fate.

"Why can't there be another way?" she begged to no one in particular. "Why must we sacrifice his life without even a fight?"

_Tutus_, her mind whispered.

"No!" she shouted out loud, wondering absently if that meant that she was going crazy, too. "It is not worth the risk to his life."

It was an argument that she could hide deliberately behind until he was back to normal and Tutus was no longer an option. But she soon realized that if he died first or went crazy as the virus took over, she would no longer have his life to protect _or _to risk.

John was going nuts.

Not two hour after they had returned from the planet, the entire city was put on alert after John had attacked his guards and Elizabeth, and escaped his quarters. Now, along with Dr. Weir and Ronon, Teyla was in the front row of McKay's audience as he tracked John with the city-wide sensors. It didn't take long to get a lock on the Colonel's signal, in spite of Sheppard's rapidly changing DNA; a tiny orange, glowing dot popped up on the screen racing down a hallway.

Sheppard.

"It can't be him," Colonel Caldwell---John's temporary replacement---said doubtfully, watching the dot. "He's moving too fast."

"It's him," Ronon stated firmly. Teyla belatedly remembered her conversation with the Satedan, about how John had beaten them both; her sparring and him running. But even without that knowledge, she would have had little doubt believing that the speeding blip on the screen WAS the Colonel.

Suddenly, the dot blinked out, and re-appeared across the screen. Caldwell turned to McKay, furious.

"I thought you said he couldn't use the transporter!"

"I said I doubted he was lucid enough," McKay corrected.

"Well shut 'em down, he's not gonna do it again."

"Thus stranding your search teams." Caldwell growled angrily, then seemed to regain control and ordered the two teams in the control room to get after Sheppard, and bring him in however they had to. As everyone started to move, Elizabeth stepped forward and interrupted the Colonel.

"You will only use such force as a last resort," she told them firmly.

"That's not Sheppard anymore, Ma'am-"

"You heard me." The teams started to move out.

Teyla was standing still, staring at the dot on the screen, when a big, warm hand on her shoulder startled her out of her reverie.

"You coming?" Ronon asked. She hesitated; did she really want to see this? But she'd never forgive herself if she didn't try everything that she could to help him. _As long as it wasn't Tutus..._

"Yes." She and Ronon followed the Marines out.

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The team that Teyla was with was made up of six people, including her and Ronon. THey headed quickly towards where John waited, obeying directions given to them over the radio by Rodney or Caldwell.

"...two levels directly below you," Caldwell was saying. The leader of the team of Marines that she was with---Srgt. Cole---nodded, as if he had forgotten that Caldwell couldn't see him, then turned to the team.

"You heard the man," he said. "Down the stairs." Immediately, Ronon took off down a side corridor; _not _down the stairs.

"Ronon, where are you going?!" Teyla called, about to go after him. She was worried; from her team she had already lost Aiden, and John was fast slipping away. She didn't want to lose Ronon too; especially since he was the one who would be most likely to re-capture John without hurting him/

Srgt. Cole placed a reassuring hand on her arm.

"Let him go," he advised. "He'll be fine." Teyla knew that he was right; but she couldn't help but feel that her life was slowly being ripped away from her, one person at a time.

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_A/N: Kind of a short one, sorry. But I'll try to update really soon!_


	5. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: Here's the update, as promised. I hope that the time that I've taken to add it can still be considered "soon". In John's POV, as requested :). Still a bit short... but writing "Feed Me" has made me spoiled in terms of short chapters... :P_

_Thank you all for your reviews! :D_

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**Chapter Four**

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John's pulse thundered in his ears, his heartbeat rapid enough to kill any normal man... lucky he was nuts, then. Liquid fire filled his veins, burning through him, pushing him on. With the dying shreds of his lucidity, he wondered if this was how Ford had felt on the enzyme; heightened senses, fractioning sense of self, unspeakable power that he no longer could nor desired to control? He wondered bow hard the young Lieutenant had fought before finally succumbing to the drug within him; because John knew already that no matter wheat he did to fight this thing taking over him, he was going to lose.

His ears caught the sound of the search team long before they reached the large room that he had paused in. Knowing that he could get past them all easily, he scaled one of the high walls like a spider, and paused halfway up as he became able to distinguish the separate figures stalking him. His heart leapt, for a second beating double-time before returning to its still-dangerous but slightly slower speed.

No! Why was Teyla with them? Why hadn't she stayed away? The last fragments of himself that he ad in his control wanted her to run away screaming, so that when he lost it completely he wouldn't be able to hurt her.

_Teyla, go!_ he thought desperately. _Get out before I hurt you!_ She didn't leave, but it seemed almost that she had heard him; for her head suddenly twitched him his direction, and her eyes traveled up until they found him. Immediately the light on her gun centered on him, and her eyes widened.

"Above us!"

Crap! She'd seen him; he had to get out _now_.

Like some kind of monkey he finished scaling the wall and climbed across the ceiling, flashlights following him the whole way. He passed over Teyla's head and dropped between two of the four Marines, striking them and knocking them unconscious without a fight. The other two---who still stood at the foot of the stairs---each dropped their P90's in favor of large stunners. They each managed to get off a shot or two before he leaped at them, and knocked them out as well.

He was halfway up the stairs---home free!---when _her _voice stopped him.

"Colonel!" he turned around, and against his will his feet began to carry him down the stairs towards her, a primal mix of hatred and desire filling him. He was rapidly losing himself.

He took another step, and Teyla's grip tightened on her weapon as she looked at him with fear in her eyes; something that he had only been the cause of once. That day that he had kissed her...

"Please!" she begged, her voice rough with emotion, oblivious to his inner struggle. "_Do not make me do this!_" But no matter how he fought it, he continued to move down the stairs. But Teyla was serious. She squeezed the trigger, and a stream of hot metal pounded into the stair beneath his feet. It was his last warning.

Both the action and the noise jarred him enough that good sense momentarily returned to him, and he did the only thing that he could; he turned and ran up the stairs, away from her.

He heard Teyla let out a breath of relief, before her footsteps pounded after him, chasing him on. Suddenly, something odd and stinging and tingly slammed into his back, knocking him off-balance. Before he could recover it happened again, and even as he passed out on the ground, he recognized what had happened.

_Ronon must have stunned me_, he though, before the welcoming black ignorance of unconsciousness overtook him.

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Ronon stepped out from the niche that he'd been waiting in, just as Teyla reached him and the now unconscious, held-at-gunpoint-anyways john. Her mouth formed a small "o" as she opened it to gasp in a few shaky, relieved breaths. She looked between Ronon and John as the Satedan radioed to everyone that he had caught Sheppard. But even in that light Teyla couldn't find it in herself to share in the temporary optimism that everyone else seemed to feel at the news. They had caught him, yes; but he was still changing. She knew that they had nearly run out of time.

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_A/N: The next chapter is almost finished; it should be up within a week, if all goes well :). Reviews make me work faster ;) lol_


	6. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: Thank you all for being so incredibly patient with me; and thank you for all of our lovely reviews. I know that I still haven't explained Tutus, but I will soon, I promise! :D_

_All of the dialogue except the Teyla scene, and the Weir bit at the end, are from my best memory of the episode "Conversion" (which I still haven't been able to watch AT ALL since starting this fic!); and I claim no rights to any part of it which I correctly quoted. If there are any mistakes at all, it's my fault ;)._

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**Chapter Five**

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Ronon and Teyla and Rondey sat alone in a quiet corner of the nearly deserted cafeteria. They themselves were silent, bearing the burden of John's situation together, yet alone. Together because they were all going to lose him, and apart because to each of them, he was something different.

Footsteps approached them from behind, and they all looked up hopefully at Dr, Weir as she drew near. Ronon rose restlessly to his feet, seeming uncomfortable sitting in her presence, but it was Teyla who spoke first.

"Any progress?" she asked, with more hope then she felt. Elizabeth's expression even before she answered was enough to inform her that she had no hope left, either.

"Maybe if I went back alone… maybe…?" Ronon suggested after Weir gave a depressed "no". But she looked at him severely, her brow lined with worry.

"It's not opened for discussion," she said. He sighed.

"I'm not good at sittin' still."

"Believe me," Elizabeth laughed darkly, "I appreciate how you feel." And then she proceeded to explain that John was in a private section of the infirmary, and if any of them wanted to have a "private" goodbye, they should probably so it soon. Teyla's shoulders slumped in defeat, and Ronon grunted and looked away. Only Rodney could bear to look up at Elizabeth.

"Are we really there?" he asked shakily, his voice rough with emotion. Elizabeth's eyes were sad.

"I think we might be."

For a moment they were all silent, all grieving for the loss that was inevitable. Then, a radio call from Carson made them all jump, it was so sudden.

"Please come down to my lab; I think I've found something!"

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Carson's plan was simple; John's body was mutated to the point where he was somehow producing the bug's pheromone. That meant that if they could keep him lucid for long enough, they could have him go into the caves and retrieve the eggs; and the bugs would pay him no mind. And Carson had worked out how much of the inhibitor they'd been using it would take to make him lucid; so there was that problem solved too, in theory.

"But won't that much inhibitor like, kill him?" Rodney pointed out. Carson sighed heavily.

"Aye, it's quite possible. But even if I was certain it would, I'd be tempted to offer him one last hour of lucidity."

And so it had been decided that they would go. They would take John to the planet, and he would get the eggs.

The team left to prepare, and Carson and Elizabeth went to see John.

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Teyla fumbled to light a few candles in her room before suiting up, hoping that the soft light and warm scent might help her relax and stay calm before the mission. All it earned her was burned fingers.

She yelped softly in pain and jerked her hand back, giving up on the candles and quickly throwing on her jacket and vest, performing a cursory check of her gear.

She knew that she had a few moments before she needed to be in the gateroom; and she spent those few nervous moments pacing around her room, praying feverishly to both the ancestors and the God that most of the Earthlings prayed to or swore by. At that moment she seemed to have more faith in the God that she did not know than in the ancients that she had so long revered. But she had been losing faith in them anyways; especially now as they let one of their own suffer and die in such a horrible way.

"Please," she prayed desperately. "Please don't let him die. We still need him, and he does not deserve this torture. Please let us help him." She didn't speak out loud the last part of her prayer; that she not have to risk his life further by taking him into Tutus. She didn't care about the risks to herself, but if she was the one that killed him…

But it wasn't going to come to that. They _would _save him, no matter if her plea for divine help were granted or not. They would save him; they had to.

Groaning in frustration, she repeated her prayer one more time before leaving her quarters and rushing down towards the gateroom.

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John's golden reptilian eyes flashed opened, and his heart monitor gave five rapid, shrill beats before returning to a steady, almost normal rhythm as he recognized his surroundings. He turned his head and saw Elizabeth sitting beside his bead. He blinked once as she smiled.

"Hey," she said softly, "you're okay, you're in the infirmary." His eyes unfocused as he trued to recall the fuzzy events that had led him here.

"Did I hurt anyone?" he asked her, his thoughts straying immediately to Teyla. Was she not here too because he had hurt her too badly; giving into this thing completely and attacking her? Or did she hate him for what he was becoming?

But Elizabeth was smiling ruefully, fingering her own throat.

"No, not seriously," she promised. John took that at face value.

"Did Ronon shoot me?" he asked. He didn't know any other weapon that wouldn't have killed him that hurt that much.

This time Elizabeth laughed.

"You had it coming," she teased, raising an eyebrow in mock severity. He would have laughed too, if he still found himself capable of the sound. He didn't, so her merely maintained his stare. She quickly got back to business.

"Alright, this does of the inhibitor will only last about an hour." She paused, and he wasn't sure if he would like what was coming or not.

"How would you like to go on a mission?"

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Everyone was waiting and the gate was just being dialed when John made his appearance. His friends seemed slightly shocked at his appearance; but he had insisted on the long, rough hooded robe. He chose to believe that it was the robe that they stared at, not at his gray, scaly face.

"Hey," Rodney began as he approached. "It's good to see you up and… about?" he sounded confused as John walked right by them. Little did he know that the Colonel was forcing himself not to look at any of them. Whatever this retrovirus in him was, it was starting to give him dangerous new urges in spite of the inhibitor. John couldn't afford to let it go now.

Someone on the team---John couldn't tell who, for her refused to turn---held a very brief, private conversation with Dr. Weir; and then the gate finished dialing, and they passed through.

Elizabeth watched them step through the stargate, and breathed a slow sigh of not-quite relief. She knew that this was their last chance to save him, and that even if there were successful it would still be cutting things incredibly close. Carson would be racing against time to complete the cure before they lost Sheppard completely. She didn't doubt the doctor's ability, but… she was afraid that too much time had already passed.

"Be safe," she whispered her customary blessing as the gate shut down, and hoped by some incredible chance that they would hear her, and that it could somehow give them the strength that they needed to complete the mission in time.

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_A/N: There you go :). See? I promised that it would be close to a week! ;) I will try to get the next chapter done as soon as possible; but I'm having a tiny bit of trouble figuring out what angle of it to go from. Oh! The explanation for Tutus should be coming up soon; maybe not in this chapter, but depending on how I cut it, the next. So keep reading! :D_


	7. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: I am SO SORRY that I haven't updated this in so long! *hides* (Wow, it's been exactly a month. Crazy.)I've had this chapter about halfway done for forever, but then a bunch of things came up and I didn't have hardly any time to write at all :P. I've only just been able to finish this :). But again, A THOUSAND APOLOGIES! After this, things are going to start getting MUCH more AU; with Tutus and other things that I'll FINALLY be explaining (and sorry for the delay on those, too!), so get ready! LOL Um... I think that all of the actually dialogue in this chapter is from my memories of the show... so I'm pretty sure that I don't own those parts (unless they're wrong); just borrowing. )  
Thank you all so much for all of your wonderful reviews; you guys are AWESOME! ...and I hope that you like this chapter enough to review it, too! LOL Enjoy! :D_

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**Chapter Six **

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John strove to keep his focus as he followed his friends through the forest. Well, followed Teyla. Rodney and Carson were walking on either side of him, and Ronon was directly behind him. John could feel the Satedan's gaze on him.

He knew that it would be fatal for him to actually _look _at Teyla while he was following her; he didn't want to lose control and hurt her. Instead, he focused on whatever was over her right shoulder at any given time. Her movements were still in the corner of his vision, but he wasn't looking directly at her.

Several times, Rodney attempted conversation; but his attempts were always clumsy and awkward and ended in silence, anyways. In the end he gave up, and spent a lot of time glancing back at Ronon, as if he was afraid that the Satedan would disappear and let John go nuts.

After what seemed to John like an eternity, they reached the caves where the bugs lived. Carson handed him a container to put the eggs in, then he, Rodney, and Ronon took up positions around the entrance of the cave. But Teyla came and stood in his path.

Gosh! Was this woman _trying _to kill him?!

_"Colonel Sheppard?" Teyla couldn't tell by his yellow, reptilian eyes if he was lucid enough to recognize her, but she continued anyways, pushing the pain of that thought aside. _

_"Colonel, you know that we cannot go in there with you, but you need to hurry. It took us a little longer to get here then we would have liked." She studied his face, looking for some sort of sign that he understood her. For a moment his eyes locked with hers, but she saw nothing in them; only the barest traces of John Sheppard remained. _

_The contact lasted only for a second; then his eyes shifted so that he was looking over her shoulder; and he pushed past her and disappeared into the cave. _

John shouldered his was past Teyla, barely breathing. He hated breaking that contact with her: but he couldn't handle it. She had no idea how hard it was for him to be near her; she was intoxicating as any retrovirus. And the wraith genes in her were connecting to the bug-genes in his body; and he was starting to sense her now. It was the oddest feeling... and one that he couldn't afford to explore. It was just too tempting; he'd had to break the contact as soon as he could, no matter how the hurt in her eyes pained him. He had to protect her.

He walked down the long tunnel that looked deceptively innocent; smooth and even floored, and both wide and hight enough for him to pass with no issue.

With his newly heightened senses, he both heard and smelled the bugs before he saw them, their sense aside. He wondered if they could feel him, too. It was likely, though most likely not with the awareness that he could sense them with. He shuttered at the prolonged thought of the creatures---he still hated the darn things, no matter how close he was to turning into one---and hastened his steps. Get in, get the eggs, get out. That was all that mattered.

Using---or trying to use---a meditation trick that Teyla had taught him, John attempted to shut every part of his mind down that he didn't need for the mission; to focus solely on what he had to do.

It wasn't long before he reached the large nesting chamber that he'd been told was there. He paused for a moment in the entrance, lighting a flare to see by out of habit rather than necessity; he could see well enough without it. As promised, the bugs ignored him, even when he made his way through their midst and leaped onto one of the nests. Taking the container from inside his vest, he plunged it through a weak part of the webbing that made up the nest and scooped as many eggs into it as he could. As he did, there was only one thing that stayed clear in his mind. _'Gotta do this... can't hurt Teyla... gotta finish this...' _

------------

Teyla started as Carson's watch beeped beside her. Already on edge, the shrill noise startled her more than she would have liked to admit.

"What was that?" Rodney asked from the other side, the irritation in his voice even stronger than usual. Carson sighed.

"That was how long I estimated the inhibitor would last." Rodney frowned nervously.

"So does that mean he's-"

"If the inhibitor has worn off..." Teyla interrupted him, but was unable to finish. Carson ended her statement.

"Then he's beyond our help." They all looked into the cave, worried for their friend but unable to attempt to help him.

It took every shred of Teyla's rapidly deterioration willpower not to simply fall to the ground and start sobbing. If he didn't come back... She could not bear to finish the thought.

She stared resolutely into theclose gloom of the tunnel, her eyes searching for what she _needed _to believe would appear out of the darkness. A soft breeze tickled her hair, and McKay shifted uneasily beside her; but there was no other movement.

------------

John wished he could be certain that the eggs he had gathered were enough; but he didn't think he could be sure of anything anymore. He could only hope that he had succeeded, and that they could get him back to normal.

A sharp pain stabbed at his side, and a sensation like claws raking through his brain warned him that he had spent too long in this chamber. He needed to get back to Teyla _NOW_.

He released his hold on the next and let himself drop to the floor, bending his knees to absorb a better part of the impact. Screwing the lid on the container of eggs, he forced himself to straighten and stagger back through the tunnel. _'Back to Teyla.' _

It shocked him to realize that every part of his mind agreed that he was heading for Teyla, though for different reasons. The bug half wanted to hurt her and feed on her, and the other half was defining her as safety and home and love.

Faster than he should have, he saw the light of the cave entrance, and he heard his friend's voices; and then _she _was calling to him.

The evil, ugly creature inside him reared up viciously at the sound of her voice, a craving and desire coming with it that almost overwhelmed him. He screamed in defiance and barrelled past everyone, forcing himself not to attack as he flew withing inches of their tempting life-forces and shoving Ronon aside in the process. He would have just kept running, but a blast of tingling energy slammed into him, then another, and he fell flat on his face, the world instantly going black.

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Teyla stood anxiously behind Carson as he dropped to his knees beside John, assessing the Colonel's condition and the amount of eggs that he had brought back.

"Do you have enough?" She didn't mean to snap at him, but he didn't even seem to notice.

"Aye, I think so. Lets get him back to Atlantis." Teyla stood back as Ronon hauled the Colonel into his arms and they headed back. She wished that there was something that she could be doing at the moment to help him. but at least they had what they needed, and he was still alive. He was still far from healed, but now they had a chance again. From that point on there was really nothing more that she could do. She figured that that thought should make her feel relieved; so why was she more worried than ever?

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_A/N: I'm sorry! Didn't realize how much of a cliffie this was until I typed it up. I'll finish the next chapter as quickly as I can! :D_


	8. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: Here is some more J/T goodness for your enjoyment :). Tutus is partially explained in this chapter, too; sorry for taking so long with that bit! I hope I don't disappoint you!_

_Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed; I hope that you like this chapter too! :D_

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**Chapter Seven**

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Ronon and Teyla and Rodney waited just outside the operating room, pacing (or eating, in McKay's case) nervously as the doctors worked on their friend. After a while Elizabeth managed to get away from her duties to join them, and the four of them maintained their vigil in relative silence, none of them knowing what to do but all feeling the uncontrollable need to act.

"How much longer do you think it's going to take?" Rodney asked finally, breaking the silence. "I mean it's been what, two hours?"

"Part of that was just prepping him," Elizabeth reminded him gently. "You don't just bring someone into a procedure like this; he probably hasn't actually been in surgery for that long.

"Still, we should have gotten some king of news or s_omething_."

"Be patient," Teyla said, although her voice sounded strained even in her own ears. Rodney was right, it had been too long. She shifted uncomfortably, trying to get rid of an odd feeling that lingered just on the edge of her consciousness like a moth. She fought the urge to use her hands to try and brush it away; it was making her even more uneasy than she already was. "They will inform us when they are done."

"No, I think McKay's right, for once," Ronon said, earning an indignant glare from the scientist, which he ignored. "We should be getting some kind of news; a time frame, anything. Something's wrong. "

"Well don't _say _it!" Rodney protested. "You're gonna jinx the whole thing!"

"Rodney, there is not such thing as a jinx," Elizabeth soothed; but the scientist would have none of it.

"No, you don't understand; every time we say "Oh, this is nice!", "This place is peaceful!", "Oh, I hope they're friendly!", things start to go wrong for us. Very wrong."

"Then shouldn't what Ronon said have the opposite effect?" she asked, changing tactics.

"No, voicing your fears makes them come true, too."

"You're nuts, McKay," Ronon informed him, seeming glad of something else to do while he worried about his friend.

"No, I'm _cautious_: there's a distinct difference!"

"All the same," Teyla cut in softly, now that she knew all of her friends fears mirrored her own," "maybe we should at least try to find out what is happening?" Elizabeth sighed.

"If it makes you feel better, I'll go in there and check it out, find out how long it's gonna take, okay?" She paused, looking between the three of them. "Will that satisfy the three of you?" One by one, they nodded.

"Thanks," Ronon said finally, when it became clear that the other two wouldn't speak. Elizabeth smiled gratefully at him before rising from her chair and heading for the door that separated them from the OR.

She was three steps away when the doors burst opened and a doctor almost ran her down. Ronon caught the guy's arm as he passed, and demanded to know what was going on. Elizabeth paused to hear what he would say.

"What's happening?" the Satedan demanded. "Is he alright?"

"No!" The doctor ripped his arm away. "No, in fact, he is very much not alright; we're just about to lose him. And unless you're okay with that, I'd suggest that you let me go so that I can get what Dr. Beckett asked for." And he ran off.

"Will they be able to complete his treatment in time, do you think?" Rodney asked no one in particular. Weir shrugged hopelessly, crossing he arms over her chest without realizing that her stance mimicked the others.

"Not a chance."

Teyla looked between her friends and the still opened OR door, and weighted her options. Charin's words came back to haunt her again. 'You could take him to Tutus', and she knew that if it worked, she could give him more time; at least enough for them to heal his body. His mind would depend on her.

She was still scared silly of the idea of trying to bring him there---it was not guarentteed---but she had sworn to herself that he wouldn't die; and she doubted that they had time to try anything else. And if she didn't try, he was going to die anyways. This way he only _might _die... Might as well give him this one last chance.

"There is a chance," she whispered. That same fear that she had carried since her last attempt to reah Tutus protested violently, but her heart tugged her forward, and she rushed through the OR doors, hearing her friend's surprised gasps and hurried pursuit behind her. She ignored them and the agitated shouts from the doctor in favor of John's beside, where her team leader lay gasping and twitching on the white sheets, hooked up by various wires to about half a dozen machines. On the other side of the bed, across from her, she saw another bed, and the edges of the idea began to solidify into something that actually resembled a plan... one of John's plans, actually, which she found ironic. She almost smiled in spite of herself.

Carson caught her arm.

"Teyla, love, you can't be in here right now; what are you doing?"

"Let me go," she muttered, shaking his hand off and not moving. She continued to ignore the rest of her friends words of protest coming from behind her, closer to the door. They were afraid to intrude too far.

"Teyla, what are you doing?" Elizabeth asked. "They're doing everything that they can; come back out with us, we're in their way---"

"They won't make it in time," Teyla told her distractedly. "I can sense him now; his mind is too far gone..." When Carson didn't contradict her immediately, they knew that she was right.

"Then what are you doing?" Rodney asked. Teyla ignored him, and turned to the doctors, feeling hyper-aware of John's sense and having a hard time turning her back on him.

"What if his mind was not an issue?" she asked. "If that part of his transformation could be altered, and it could be assured that he would remain himself. Will his body have more time?"

"Aye, it's possible; that transformation is more reversible, anyways. But how do you expect...?" He trailed off as Teyla turned back to John again, speaking rapidly.

"There is a place called Tutus," she explained. "It was created by a race as old as the ancients, or more. You would call it another dimension. But it is reachable by certain others, thought it is difficult and rare; and more often than not, it is only the mind that is able to make the journey."

"But you're one of the ones who can." Ronon stated. Teyla nodded.

"I believe that it has something to do with my gift."

"But what does this have to do with John?" Rodney asked.

"I can take his mind into Tutus---the part that IS John---and keep him safe while you work on his body. Perhaps a week at the most will pass for you while we are there."

"If it's this easy, why didn't you try it before?" Elizabeth asked. Teyla sighed.

"It is not easy," she said. "It is very dangerous for both of us, though more for him than for me. I have never been able to take another with me before; the last time I tried, someone was almost killed. But I believe that I know what I did wrong; this time, I believe that it will work."

"And what if it doesn't?"

"That is why I have waited until now; but at this point, we have nothing to lose. If I do not try, he will definitely die."

"You'd better make a decision," Ronon warned. "You're running out of time." Sighing, Carson nodded.

"Alright, love, you have a try."

"Thank you," she said. "Hopefully the time that I can give you will be enough."

"It will be more than enough, lass." Teyla nodded, and laid down on the other bed. She took a deep breath, preparing herself.

"Hey, um... good luck?" Rodney said timidly. Teyla smiled a little at him and nodded once, then closed her eyes, murmuring something indistinguishable under her breath. Then, she reached out with her mind and wrapped John's fractured consciousness in the strength and safety of hers, and began the journey.

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_A/N: So there you go. What do you think? Leave me a review and let me know :). I'm working on the next chapter now, so hopefully I'll be able to finish it soon. Until then, I hope you enjoy this! :D_


	9. Chapter 8

_Author's Note: I am SO SORRY that this took so long! (I've been saying that a lot lately, haven't I? *apologizes*) I don't know why, but this chapter was HARD for me. I wasn't satisfied with how John was turning out, at all; and it took me a long time to come up with something that explained what I wanted *and* made it work kind of the way I was hoping. But here it is, I hope that you like it, and review and tell me what you think ;). There's a... slightly more full explanation of Tutus in this chapter, though I imagine that that explanation will continue to grow throughout the remainder of the fic..._

_Thank you so much to everyone who already reviewed! :D_

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**Chapter Eight**

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John fought the drugs and unconsciousness like he fought the monster inside him; he was afraid that his death would only come quicker with sleep. But he continued to slip, falling further and further away until he had almost completely lost himself. But he was still somehow able to hear the murmur of voices, even in his unconsciousness. He lung to that, letting it keep him fighting. And then there was another voice that he knew; a voice tat he trusted and loved.

_Teyla_.

He heard her more clearly than all of the rest, but still the words that her lyrical voice wove refused to become distinguishable to him. He could only make out one word; Tutus. He felt the monster inside him shriek, but he didn't know why.

Suddenly, he felt everything shift. Teyla's sense changed, somehow; what had just been right beside him was now surrounding him. He could _feel _her seeping though every part of his mind and protectively enveloping him. It was reminiscent of nothing more than the most tender of embraces; and he wasn't sure whether to be exited or frightened by the prospect. The words that came to mind when he conceived that mental image were "embrace of death". It was with good reason that he was scared. Out of reflex, he began to fight it.

Then came her voice, crystal clear and true in the great void. He clung to her and her promise as the feeling of the monster destroying him started to fade.

_"Be still, John. You have nothing to fear. I will protect you."_ He had no choice but to obey that voice; so he hung on tight and stopped fighting, letting her do whatever it was that she was doing. He knew that she would not hurt him.

He could make little sense of the other sensations that started to assail his mind, however. He felt like he was free-falling, thousands of feet above the ground; but the wind that rushed past him was not air, but countless tons of water. There was a roaring in his ears like thunder, and starbursts of sparks showered with white-hot brilliance through the blackness that veiled his eyes. He became less and less aware of the bug part of him, but also of Teyla; until all that he saw was sparks, all that he heard was thunder, all he felt was water, and all he did was fall.

And then everything faded into blackness and silence and weightlessness. He knew nothing more for some time.

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"Ow." He came awake groggily with his head throbbing like a massive drum. He was afraid to opens his eyes, afraid that these human sensations of pain and confusion would be drowned out by the creature inside of him, and he would lose himself again. But when he though about it, he could no longer feel the creature inside himself. He frowned and tried to concentrate; but he still felt nothing.

A feeling of hope that he had not expected surged within him, and he opened his eyes, looking down at himself.

He was human again. He was still dressed in the same uniform that he'd worn on the mission; but the scaly black skin that had characterized his transformation was absent, as were the super-enhanced senses. He felt a brief pang of regret for that loss; but it was soon drowned out by gratefulness for his body being his own again.

"Yes!" _She _must have done this. "Thank you, Teyla!" Where was Teyla, anyways? For that matter, where was he?

He looked at his surroundings for the first time, and found that they resembled what he imagined that Athos must have looked like, if he had not arrived there so late in the season.

Had they never gone back to Atlantis?

"Teyla?" he called nervously, suddenly wishing for his bug-senses again as a long moment of silence followed his cry. He tried again.

"Teyla?!" Further agonizing silence. And then...

"Over here!" Her voice sounded weary, more so that he would expect. She sounded like she'd just fought a huge battle. Worry surged though him, and he headed towards her voice.

A moment later, he came to a stream, winding its way through the forest. Glancing along its length, he saw Teyla to his right, sitting slumped on the bank, watching the water. He went over to her and sat down.

"What happened?" he asked, gesturing vaguely to include everything. Teyla's eyes didn't turn towards him, but she took a deep breath and gathered herself to speak. John didn't dare to make a sound to interrupt her.

"You brought the eggs back in time," she said, going further back in the library than John nodded. But he let her talk, knowing that she had to tell the story in her way. "And we took you back to Atlantis. but there creature inside of you started taking over for good before the doctors could complete your treatment.

"You were losing me," he underestood. Teyla nodded slowly, and John couldn't stop the question before it passed his lips. "How did I get here?"

Teyla didn't answer immediately, but seemed to be forming her answer in her own mind first. At length, she spoke.

"When we realized what was happening to you, that the doctors could not finish in time..." she sighed, for the first time raising her eyes to look up at their surroundings. "I brought you here," she said finally. "To protect you." John didn't understand her story.

"_How_?" he persisted. "How could you get me back to normal by taking me to this place?"

"It is called Tutus," she explained, her voice still very soft. John recognized the word as a Latin word that meant "safety". "It was created or found by a race of people called Changers."

"Is that like, another word for ancient?"

"No. Changers are different; they are very old. I believe even older than the ancestors. But this was their place." She paused again. "It is... very difficult, to reach this place. I have only been here once, brought by another. The one time before today that I tried to bring someone else, she almost died. I did not take you sooner because I did not want you to suffer the same fate."

"Why is it so dangerous? I mean, it's just another planet, right?"

"Tutus is not a planet," she explained haltingly. "It is a... dimension. The Changers had a gift similar to mine; that is what allowed me to come here. But without it, this place would be unattainable."

"Then how am I here?"

"The retrovirus altered your DNA enough that you acquired the same mental component; that is how I brought you here."

"And how did you heal me?" he asked, looking down at his scale-free skin.

"I did not heal your body," she admitted. "Carson is doing that while you are here. I merely brought your mind here for safekeeping so that they would have time to heal you on Atlantis."

John looked down at himself again.

"So this body...?"

"This body exists solely within Tutus; your real body is still alive back on Atlantis being healed. Only your consciousness is here."

"Same thing with you?" he inquired shakily. He wanted to reach out and touch her, but he was scared to; as if his hands would pass through her like smoke and she would fade away. Teyla nodded mutely, speaking seeming to take incredible effort.

"And what happened to the bug half of my mind? What happened to that?"

"I killed it." John's eyes widened.

"You tried _fighting _that thing?!"

"It is gone now; it does not matter."

"Actually, it kinda does!" He shook his head, overwhelmed by everything that she had just told him, and what he now knew that she had just done. "Teyla, that thing was evil, and it wanted you; I've been fighting it for days to keep it from getting to you! And you just went in and... Teyla, it could have _killed _you!" He looked her over again, and saw how pale and tired she was. "It almost did, didn't it?" She looked away. "Teyla, my life is _not _worth yours! Not by a long shot. I don't want you to rick your life for me."

"John..."

"Come on, get us back to Atlantis so that you can get checked out."

"John, I can't."

"What?"

"Time here is... vastly different than it is in our dimension. Not even a fraction of a second will have gone by for them yet. If I take us back now the part of the creature that is in your body still will dominate your mind again; and I do not know if you will survive it a second time."

"My life won't matter without yours!" he burst out. Teyla's eyes widened, but before she could reply to that, he was stalking away.

John forced himseld to keep going and not look back, not see the plea in her eyes that she would never voice. He knew that if he did, he would probably do something very stupid; and he'd had enough of that for now.

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_A/N: I'm sorry for the cliffie! This chapter was murder to get done, but thank God, I know where I'm going with this fic, so I can look over anything awful :P LOL. Um, the next chapter is in the process of being written right now; but it's also going slowly, as I'm still having a bit of a problem with John. But *hopefully*, it will be quicker than it was last time, and I can post is as soon as possible ;). Until then, I hope that you enjoy the rest of this story! :D_


	10. Chapter 9

_Author's Note: I'm back! This fic has been on hiatus for a long time, and I've missed working on it. My focus has been switching lately, but this particular fic has been nagging at the back of my head and begging me to finish it; and so I give it to you. This is the last chapter. I'm not sure if I'll do a prologue or not; that depends on what you all want and where the Muse leads me. But it has been a lovely ride, and thank you so much for bearing with me and this story; I hope you've liked it. God bless (:_

Huge thanks to **Alydia Rackham**, **Jodz92**, **RFPegasus**, **jtjaforever**, **Grannanatlanta**, **Robert1000**, **madwhiskey**, **neptune60**, **Terri**, **Wendy Jackson**, **SGAFirenity**, **Mechia132**, and **Starscape91 **for reviewing! :D You guys are amazing, and a true blessing to a lonely writer ;)

~jewel of athos

**Chapter Nine**

o.O.o.O.o

John spent the next few days exploring Tutus, looking for a way out and avoiding Teyla. He couldn't accept the risk that she had taken for him, and he couldn't talk to her about it. Things seemed almost too clear in Tutus, and he didn't know how to deal with the reality that was so blatantly laid out before him.

He loved Teyla. He'd already been sure of that, but now-because of what she had done-he knew that Teyla loved him back. And in once instant that made him both happy and terrified. He'd spent so long wanting to know, and Teyla had just displayed to him tenfold his answer. And it had almost killed her.

John didn't want her to love him if that meant she would get hurt because of it. He would rather have to live with the knowledge that she hated him than the knowledge that she'd been hurt - he refused to think the word _died _- for him. And he wasn't sure how to deal with the fact that she _would _die for him.

So he avoided her, only seeing her from a distance when she wasn't aware of him, and never speaking to her. He wondered how long he would be able to go on like that; could he avoid her however long they were in Tutus?

By the fourth day, it was _killing _him.

For the first time in far too long, he sought Teyla out.

He found her in a quiet little stand of trees, sitting cross-legged on the ground in a relaxed meditation pose. Between her position and the bright rays of sunlight that filtered through the trees, she looked almost like a wood spirit, born of this strange world that she'd taken him to.

He stopped a few yards away, feeling that any close would be violating her privacy, somehow. He didn't want to disturb her, but it hurt too much to be away from her. Seating himself gingerly on the ground, he draped his arms over his knees and settled for watching her, memorizing her every feature while she was still enough for him to do so.

A pang of guilt shot through him when he looked more closely at her face. She was pale and drawn, even more so than she had been the day that they'd come here. Dark circles looked like bruises around her eyes, and two tiny lines of pain were etched into her forehead. John bit back a curse. Had _he _done this to her?

He sat there for a long time, feeling his guilt start to weigh heavier and heavier. How could he have done this to her?

"How long were you planning on sitting there?" Teyla asked suddenly, her voice soft. She did not open her eyes or move.

John blinked in surprise. He hadn't realized that she'd been aware of him.

"As long as it took," he managed. "How long have you known...?"

"I heard you come," she said.

"Yeah, I wanted to see you." He saw her eyelids twitch, as if they wanted to open.

"Why?" she asked carefully. Guarded.

"I've missed you," he faltered. "And I wanted to...apologize. I was dumb and insensitive and..." He broke off with a sigh, running a hand through his messy hair. "And avoiding you has been _killing _me."

"Have you accepted Tutus?" she questioned, her voice still neutral. John frowned and looked away, though he knew that her eyes were still closed and she couldn't see his face.

"No, I haven't,' he admitted. "I can't accept the fact that you brought be here for what could end up being years for us, or that you fought that thing when you should have let me die. You almost killed yourself for me, and I can't deal with that." He fisted his hands in the grass, tearing out huge clumps. "Why did you do that?" Her eyes opened, and her head tilted a fraction to the right.

"You would have done the same."

"Teyla, this is different-"

"Is it?" She raised a challenging eyebrow, demanding the truth. John made an agitated noise in his throat.

"I can't live knowing that you might die for me."

"John, I would die without you. I had no other choice."

"Teyla-"

"Please, John."

"But so many things could have happened to you..."

"Yes. But they didn't happen, John. We are both here, and we are both _alive_. We are safe." She reached out a hand to him-it was the first gesture that she had made since he'd come to her-and he took it. "I am alive, John. You do not have to worry for me."

"But I still do." Teyla smiled.

"I know. And if you did not, then you would not love me. But you can have peace here, in Tutus. Nothing can hurt us here. Trust me."

"I do," he whispered.

"Good. Because I believe I had a vision about us that you should know..."

_Fin._

o.O.o.O.o

_A/N: So there you go. I think that I like it this way, but tell me what you think. Thank you all again SO MUCH for reading and reviewing, and dealing with my erratic updates. Until next _time! (:


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